Wednesday, September 5, 2012

When Will It End?

I've started to realize that now that I've had cancer my life will forever be a long game of what's next. Just when I've gotten the all clear on one issue another issue pops up for me to worry over.

I can't remember if I talked about the spots they found on my lungs in my first CT scan post diagnosis. The short story is that they found spots, weren't sure if the spots were cancer or scar tissue, had repeat CT scan 6 months later which showed no change, had another CT scan 6 months after that (2 weeks ago) which still showed no change in the spots, Oncologist decided they were benign and I was told not to worry. That's been my last year, full of worry in the back of my mind about those spots and if they were cancerous.

In the phone call that my Oncologist gave me the all clear on the spots she brought up a new concern about a lymph node in my left armpit. Apparently it's 1cm in size and looking "abnormal". I now have to have an ultrasound to decide if it needs to be biopsied and if not, what it could be.

I'm trying so hard to be positive and not worry too much but I just can't help but wonder when it will all end. When will I stop analyzing every headache, chest pain and off feeling? When will I be able to relax and not worry that I'm not going to see my next birthday? When will I be comfortable in discussing my future without putting the disclaimer in that I hope that I'll be around?

Just as I start to make progress and not worry quite so much another issue comes up that sets me back to the beginning. This is worse than the chemotherapy and surgeries I've been through. I want to be able to sleep at night and not toss and turn from the inability to turn my brain the fuck off.

No one talks about the after effects of cancer and how much harder it is to live your life. I'm so tired of it all and I'm only just beginning.

Please tell me it will get better. That I will be able to relax and that this current issue is nothing. I'm so scared.

3 comments:

Tamara said...

Oh honey, I'm sorry. This current issue is nothing, everything is going to be ok. Xo

Maura said...

You are so strong. You will triumph over all if it. Love you.

JC said...

God Bless... I will keep you in my prayers, I am 28 and sick as well, although not as much as what your going through just pain 24/7