Thursday, July 5, 2012

When Life Hands You Lemons

So it's been awhile no? Sorry about that, life and surgery and blah blah blah. I really do need to start to post often enough that I don't have to start each entry with a massive update to cover all of the crazy ass shit I've been up to since my last post.

Seeing as we all love bullet point lists so much I thought I would do another one of those. What? Only I like those? Oh well, no likey no readey (that's readey pronounced reedee).

  • Had a double mastectomy with reconstruction on May 2nd. Seriously the most painful thing I've ever experienced. Seriously.
  • Had my nubs (what I named my implants) filled 4 times over 6 weeks. That also blew massive ass chunks.
  • Had my echo come back showing low output for my heart. Not sure if it's a left over chemo side effect or the wicked awesome Herceptin side effect. Had another echo a week ago to monitor and will get the results on the 9th.
  • Decided to join Cancervive which is a bike ride from Calgary, AB to Lewiston, ME. Yes that's Maine you are not seeing things. It takes 10 days and I figure what better way to give cancer the middle finger than killing myself riding my bike across North America. Should be fun times.
  • Moved out of my boyfriend's house and back in with my parents. Cancer is hard and put that on top of a new relationship and it gets even harder. We are still together and in love and all that awesome stuff, we just decided that until I'm done treatment it's better that we don't live together. I have a lot of seriously conflicted thoughts about it but I know deep down that it's what is the best thing to saving our relationship for the long term.
  • Still have non-functioning ovaries which yay no need for birth control but boo no need for birth control. 
  • Still having some crazy ass hot flashes and murder level rage but see previous bullet for explanation of why. 
  • My hair is finally coming in like crazy, although I do look a whole lot like a really butchy lesbian right now.
I had no idea how hard finishing the active part of my treatment would be. Chemo was nothing compared to the mental shit I'm dealing with now. How do I make sure I truly appreciate this second chance at life? How to I express myself properly with this new reality that I'm faced with? How do I tell everyone how much I love them without it sounding fake? How do I show my awesome support team how much I've appreciated everything they have done for me?

The only answer I have right now is to not give up. I must show the universe that they didn't waste their time on me. 


Maura said...

Hey! So glad for the update. Sorry to hear the reason for your move to your parents' house. I'm glad you both realized what you need for your long term relationship.

I don't think you have to worry about sounding fake. I'm sure everyone understands and feels the same way about you! Say to them what you would want to hear.

I hope your recovery gets easier and you have someone to help you talk things out.

Can't wait to hear more about the bike race!

Much love!